Pleasure, Not Perfection

The Wisdom of Holding Nothing Back

The goal of art isn’t to attain perfection. The goal is to share who we are. And how we see the world.
-Rick Rubin

I can only conclude that living wholeheartedly while holding nothing back will bring you into a beautifully charged relationship with living your art and the art of living.
-Mark Nepo

I used to romanticize my hyper-vigilance, and most people around me praised me for my disciplined behavior. I woke up hours before dawn to begin my daily rituals: breath, tea, poetry, yoga, walking, writing. I had accomplished so much before the work day began. I had made time for the life I wanted before I had to tend to the life my employers wanted. 

People asked me how did I do it? How did I day after day arise before the sun in the womb of the morning? How could I teach them to have just as much discipline? I soaked up all the praise. Yes, how did I do it?

I was lonely and felt deeply unworthy. If I couldn’t be loved, I could be disciplined in my ritual routine. Yes, these habits carried me through some of the loneliest periods of my life and perhaps even enabled me to go on my own dark journey through the night of the soul. But this behavior cannot be sustained, nor do I want it to be a reflection of my heart and soul.

I began to feel stressed out if I didn’t get my morning routine in. I started to live a life around my rituals rather than simply living a life. I was being praised for my perfection, not my humanity, and that is a lonely place to be. 

I was so deeply tired, and I didn’t know it. I simply thought I must try harder so that I didn’t feel so tired—build up some kind of spiritual as well as physical endurance like monks in far away places and times. Try harder. More discipline. More routine. This was making me a worn-down machine.

Lucky for me, four things happened to loosen my grip on discipline: